Every quarter, I need a rebalance. I know it’s time when I experience the urge to run away to a quiet, no interruptions space. Every cell in my being wants me to go hide. I dream about this cabin in the woods, surrounded by tall redwoods, where I escape to focus on myself. The meditative trees bring me energy and I communicate only through writing. Do you ever have this dream? Where do you go? This dream is the most meditative, stress-free state I’ve ever felt. But I’ve never made it a reality. Instead, I go silent from stimulation overload and I’m unable to communicate my thoughts until I’ve had a few days to unwind my thoughts.

I’m still answering my daughter’s questions. I’m still going on bike rides. I’m still interacting in everyday life, but I’m in zombie mode. I’m not present in any of the moments. I need time to process my thoughts to avoid repetition. My husband can’t handle it. We are over communicators in this house and he instantly wants to fix the problem. But there is no problem to fix until I create some silence and space to figure it out. 

That’s when it happened. In the “silence” of zombie mode, my mind became clear. Why didn’t I figure it out sooner? I am yearning for that quiet uninterrupted place amongst the trees because I don’t have a safe space in my home to escape. I have an office. I have a bedroom. I have a spare room. I have all the rooms, but I lack boundaries. My door is always “open” (figuratively speaking) and anyone can enter at any time. And they do. And after 3 months of continual interruption, I lose it, EVERY SINGLE quarter. I need to teach everyone my expectations when my door is closed. In the real world, no one is “always” available, except moms. I’m not trying to hurt feelings here, but mama needs a moment.

Here was my life before the change:

1) My office door is closed. I’m working out to Rebecca Kennedy (Peloton app). Lifting the heavy weights, trying desperately to keep good form, while still breathing when my 5-year-old comes enters. She wants to work out too, so she picks up my 2lb weights. But then, by this sorcery, drops a painting behind my cabinet that needs immediate attention. My heart rate is rising, and it’s not from lifting weights. I want to stay calm and patient, so I pause the workout to help her. But now she thinks it’s time to color. I’m literally losing my mind. Instead of focusing on my workout, I’m focused on not getting frustrated while preventing my mommy’s guilt from coursing through my veins.

2) I wake up at 5am. I can only achieve 1 to 2 hours of uninterrupted time if no one else is awake. Within that timeframe, I try to crame in workouts, writing, reading…basically my entire independent life. There are 24 hours in the day, but I have no boundaries, so I am stressed out and anxious about finding time for creativity.

3) My office door is closed. I am in my office writing when my husband comes in with an idea. I take a deep breath, lose my creative focus, and listen to his thoughts. I am left feeling irritated and worried I won’t have enough time to finish my article. This happens 2 times while my daughters are at school.

Thanks to boundaries, I can time bucket my day for creativity. I have focused time, without interruption, which overall has led to better time management. I no longer try to crame things in periodically throughout the day. I have more time for myself and I have low anxiety around time management. Creating boundaries is hard. Creating space for yourself is even harder. Believe me, you deserve time for yourself with no associated guilt. Everyone does.

Imagine you have more free time for yourself. How would you spend the extra time? How would you feel? How can you incorporate boundaries to achieve this goal? Take a moment to write it down.

Here is the process:

1) Spend a few days identifying your triggers. I get triggered when everyone comes into my office when the door is closed.

2) Identify your space. Mine is my office, but it could be your bedroom or any other room in your house.

3) Communicate the change. I did this a few times. Everyone says they hear you, but do they really? I went above and beyond. I wanted to make sure hearing and seeing were happening. I walked my family to my office and explained, “when the door is closed, don’t come in.”

4) Stay consistent. Once you give in, then the dynamic changes and you need to retrain everyone.

5) Reinforce the boundary. Sometimes people need to be reminded or they forget. Especially when this is a new boundary and you are generally available. My kids love testing boundaries, do yours? Before going into my office, I remind my children. “I’m going to my office for 60 minutes. If you need anything, go to your dad. My door will be closed.” Then I tell my husband, “I will be in my office. If the girls need anything, you are in charge.”

6) Take care of your children before lockdown mode. I make sure my girls have water and food. You know, survival necessities. I don’t want them knocking on my door because they’re hungry.

I know this is real life, so no one listens 100% of the time. My husband still struggles when my door is closed. “How do I tell you something?” You text me. “But you don’t alway look at your text messages.” Yes, that’s the point. I don’t want to be interrupted. Anything that pops into his beautiful, amazing mind can be transcribed and sent by text message. Technology is an amazing thing. When I’m done. I will read the messages.

Please remember you deserve time for yourself. Even though you are a mom. Even though you have a partner. It is ok to take guilt free time to focus on yourself. I like putting things into perspective for myself. There are 24 hours in the day. I give “x” hours to my children, I give “x” hours to my job, therefore I can give “x” hours to myself. The amount you give yourself is nominal in comparison. Your children are watching, you are showing them the importance of self care. Now take a deep breath. Let go of your anxiety and get started. I am here to coach you through it.